Writing to my friends Brad and Tony:
I’ve temporarily put my real estate goggles aside. I was looking pretty actively, considering what my options were and such. And I actually saw some stuff that caught my eyes. But I’m holding back right now. I’ve been trying to do too many things and everything’s suffering, as a result. Plus, I realized that buying a house had become an idol for me. I was thinking about it all day, and I felt like I had to have it. So I’m trying to refocus right now.
I finally got my room clean last night too. It’s weird. The status of my room is usually a very good indicator of how my life is going. Last week, I had done some separating. I had my personal comforts in my bedroom, and made the room next to me my office. In my bedroom, I somewhat separated my clothes from my papers. So last week, I was seeing that my life was beginning to make some sense. And now, it’s finally clean, and I see that my life makes a lot of sense. So I’m not sure if my room is what makes my life meaningful, or the other way around. Hopefully, it is the other way around.
Anyways, I think the thing that I’ve been dealing with the most right now is depression. It took me a while to realize it, but ever since I graduated, I’ve been pretty depressed. Not super sad or anything, but my motivation to do things really took a dive. I didn’t really want to wake up in the morning, didn’t really want to do stuff that I used to enjoy. I would do things to avoid being reminded how sorry I had been…keeping busy with useless stuff.
I think that after I graduated, I didn’t really know what I was “supposed” to do. I mean, I had a job, but that’s not really what I wanted to do. I want to be in full-time ministry. I want this and that, but I knew that I had to wait. I have a lot less time to really accomplish much, so I got pretty frustrated about that. But I’m seeing meaning in what I’m doing now. I was praying about this a lot, and it was tough still. But God’s been giving me a clearer picture of what I should be doing. I mean, things are still kinda hazey, but it’s quite a contrast from before still.