My hopes for a Christianity that is easy to handle have been shattered. I make it sound like I just realized this, which is not true. But I feel like saying that right now.

I used to buy into the notion that things become clearer as I mature in my faith. It seems reasonable, after all, the more I get to know my fiance, the better I can predict what she will think, say, and do. But it seems that the more I get to know God, the more confusing he becomes. Just when I think I get a handle on his holiness, it all of a sudden gets more confusing. These “Aha!”‘s of theology are like false peaks. But then again, the more I come to know my fiance, the more I realize that there is more depth to her than I had anticipated.

I have heard it once said that any God that is understandable to the likes of me is too small. That might be true, but I don’t know if I would mind all that much if I could understand God and it made sense. Like, it doesn’t make sense to say that God wants everyone to be saved, and then to see clearly that this desire of God’s will not be fulfilled. We can talk about God’s sovereign will vs. his permissive will, but why create new categories? We can say that God never changes, but it seems rather obvious that God changes his mind when we pray. I don’t think this means that the Bible contradicts itself. I think that is a lazy way of looking at things. But our excuse aren’t just lazy, they’re lame. These paradoxes add a certain depth to God that is annoying but also attractive. I must admit, that God’s nature is square compared to the round hole of my propositional logic. I don’t mind that so much, but it would be “nice” if maybe my logic was more square or God’s nature was more round.


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